Dear Mr. Know It All,

It has been a pleasure knowing you for these many years. You have been my one companion, helping me understand the issues of life. I really do appreciate all the counsel and advise you gave me based on the choices I made. You reminded me so many times of the sufferings of my people back home, the need for me to stay away from home and to make a better life for myself. Hearing from you daily pushed me to work hard so that I could make a difference in the lives of many back home. I was a little girl growing up, not knowing what counsel was right or wrong. I got tossed around by people who had great experiences to offer. Their experiences became my prison as I feared venturing out into the real world and becoming a nobody and joining the crowd of hopeless faces. The fear of not getting a job after my studies grew in me steadily, as a shadow of gloom covered the bright sun rays. Failure knocked at my door as i resisted allowing it to torment my poor weakened mind.

I write to you this letter not to commend you on the works you did for me. In my fear of venturing out on my own, I acquired knowledge and understanding of what my purpose might be. As I was pushed to stay away from my Home Country due to its many problems, my desire to return to it increased. If I stay away, who then shall change it? If everyone stayed away, who would rescue it?

Up till about a two weeks ago, I was still imprisoned by the fear of returning to nothing back home. I desperately searched for jobs in hopes that one might agree to extend my stay here. On realizing that I was fighting a losing battle, I began to drain out all voices inside my head asking me to stay away from home. I told them that I was no longer going to fight their battles to make their wishes come true. I accepted the inevitable truth that I was going back home. When I made that declaration, the Sun rays burst out and the joy in my heart returned. What if there’s a good reason for me to return home? If my Father who has always watched over me is calling me to head home, then I shall do as he wishes.

I love home with all its messes and bruises it has left on my heart. Why should I leave the very place where I found my strength to move forward? My experiences of home have shaped the woman that I am today, and I shall happily go back to it. It has been a long five years, and I am curious as to how things are at home. I want to cry with everyone, smile with everyone, dance in the rain, play football, eat and share every moment with everyone. I have learned how to write, tell stories, build and strengthen people. What better place can I implement this knowledge than home?

Please do no try to stop me, because this here is my last letter to you. I am going home where my heart has always been. There’s so much to do, plan and organize. I am positive and thrilled by the fact that a new adventure awaits me at home. In the past few years, I have gained much strength from my father who rescued me a few years earlier before I left home. He has stood by my side, picking me up when I fall, wiping my tears when the pain becomes too much and making me laugh even when I don’t feel like it. He kept the sun rays barely covered, so that I could always see his smiling face. I want to continue seeing the sun rays smiling down at me happily. Therefore, I shall heed his voice and head home, where I know he will be waiting for me.

Don’t worry about me. I am in better hands already.

Goodbye

G.

There are people who are gifted with the Holy Spirit and are able to speak in tongues. Paul says in I Corinthians 13: 1 “If I speak in the tongues of men and of angels, but have not love, I am only a resounding gong or a clanging cymbal.” Receiving the power of the Holy Spirit and having the Spirit in you are two different things. Jesus told the disciples in Acts 1:5,8 “For John baptized with water, but in a few days, you will be baptized with the Holy Spirit….But you will receive power and when the Holy Spirit comes on you; and you will be my witnesses in Jerusalem, and in all Judea and Samaria, and to the ends of the earth.” Being baptized in the Holy Spirit is another whole level of understanding, where I believe one needs to be ready and set for God’s will. Their minds need to be ready as well as their physical bodies, to withstand that power and recognize it. If one is in doubt, then that doubt becomes a wall that blocks them from receiving the Holy Spirit. I am not an expert in this, but I do understand myself. However, having the Spirit of God in you is different.

Jesus said in John 16:7-9 “But I tell you the truth: It is for your good that i am going away. Unless I go away, the Counselor will not come to you; but if I go, I will convict the world of guilt in regard to sin and righteousness and judgement: in regard to sin, because men do not believe in me.”  The Holy Spirit lives within each and everyone of us. I believe that when God said in Genesis 1:26 “Let us make man in our image, in our likeness…”, He (God) was speaking to the Son and the Holy Spirit, because Jesus said “I and the Father are one”. How are we created in God’s image? God made man out of the dust of the earth, but He (God) breathe life into him. We carry within us a likeness to who God is, but because of sin inherited from our ancestors, we struggle to understand God. Due to our insufficient knowledge and understanding of who God is and our limited abilities to know his character, Jesus promised the Counselor (Holy Spirit), who was there from the beginning to gently lead us to a greater understanding of God. The Holy Spirit awakes within us, when we realize our need for God and it teaches us God’s character, His wisdom, knowledge and understanding of how we should live in God’s likeness. The Holy Spirit that lives within us, convicts us as Jesus said, for things we are doing that are wrong, of things that we ought to do, yet we do not do them and the spirit also guides us to what God wants us to know and understand. The work of the Holy Spirit within us enables us to understand the desires of the sinful nature as well as the desires of God, which sets us apart from those who live for the world. Romans 8:5-8 “Those who live according to the sinful nature have their minds set on what that nature desires; but those who live in accordance with the Spirit have their minds set on what the Spirit desires. The mind of sinful man is death, but the mind controlled by the Spirit is life and peace; the sinful mind is hostile to God. It does not submit to God’s laws, nor can it do so. Those controlled by the sinful nature cannot please God.”

When I became a new found Christian, I asked my friend’s mom how one one can continue to read the Bible even when they do not feel like reading it. She helped me understand that we all struggle with those moments, where we loose motivation. However, she said one thing that stuck with me; “When I pick up my Bible everyday, I ask the Holy Spirit to lead and guide me to where I should read and to open my heart to what it has to teach.”

Right after Christmas, a heaviness came over my heart, making God seem so far, causing my body and spirit to have no motivation for reading and praying. I have had these moments a hundred times over, and it never ceases to amaze me that I loose all happiness when these gloomy moods come on. Not a song interested me, or a book or a movie. I just wanted to understand why and what I had done wrong. My friend’s mom’s words reminded me to seek the Holy Spirit. I sat down and prayed, asking the Holy Spirit to lead me to the missing puzzle, because I wanted to enter the new year with an open mind, no regrets and to have every unforgiveness in my heart erased. I wanted a new chapter in my life. As days made it into two weeks, I found myself talking way too much about someone in my life who had just given up without so much of an explanation. I found myself getting upset with every thought of them, recollecting the memories of the times we spent together. Some of those memories brought sadness and I could not make heads or tails. While in church on January 4th, one of the elders stood up and spoke about unforgiveness. He mentioned that some of us may have memories from 2014, in the past that are painful, people in our lives that have hurt us, and we are wondering if we can ever move on. He said we should write them down and leave them behind and move on to the new year, expecting new adventures. Images of my year flashed through my mind, and an inexplicable heaviness fell on my chest and my knees, and every limp in my body went weak. The room seemed to spin and I had to hold unto the chair in-front of me, to avoid passing out. When he asked those who needed prayer to put their hands up, I told my hand to go up, but it would not budge. I plumped down on my chair because my knees could no longer hold me up. I bowed my head to pray, and I felt my friends hand on my shoulders. A warm feeling of recognition flowed through me as reality hit me.

I had been holding back some anger towards  the person that gave up. The spirit all this time had been trying to help me understand that I needed to forgive this one person and move on with my life. After the service, I was way too quiet, trying to be my normal self. This wasn’t going too well, so I started reflecting on my feelings and thoughts. As I spoke to my friend, I had to admit that I was struggling with unforgiveness, and God had been trying to help me see it all. When I entered my house and had lunch, I had a good cry, praying and asking God to forgive me for not forgiving this person. I realized, that I had closed myself from the pain and had not allowed it to bother me, but deep down, I had been hurting. While allowing myself to feel the pain, I realized that I needed to forgive. That was the whole reason why I had such a heaviness on my heart. I prayed some more and asked for forgiveness for not being able to forgive, and I forgave my friend. I was so relieved when the weight on my chest lifted. I slept for a good two hours and watched a sermon on anger and forgiveness (follow link: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Y3wptoGIchw) after I woke up.

Dr. Charles Stanley defined anger as a strong feeling of intense displeasure, hostility or indignation as a result of a real or imagined threat, insult, frustration or injustice towards yourself or others important to you. Forgiveness however is the giving up resentment against someone and our right to get even no matter what has been done to us(It is surrendering up my right to hurt you back). Unforgiveness is the deliberate willful refusal to give up one’s resentment and the right to get even based on the wrongful thought that somebody needs to pay. These are definitions that I could identify with, which I had unconsciously carried out. There are a lot more things that Dr. Charles focused on, but that day, I realized that I had been struggling with this on my heart, and the Holy Spirit pointed it out to me. From that time on, I have been seeking the Holy Spirit’s counsel in my daily routines, walks and friendships. When we seek God with all our heart and with an open honest heart, he reveals himself to us through the works of the Holy Spirit that lives in us. Living a life through the Spirit enables us to understand the rights and wrongs, the Spirit’s desires as well as the world’s desires. “But if Christ is in you, your body is dead because of sin, yet your spirit is alive because of righteousness. and if the Spirit of him who raised Jesus from the dead is living in you, he who raised Christ from the dead will also give life to your mortal bodies through his Spirit, who lives in you” Romans 8:10-11.

I arrived in Bradford, West Yorkshire in England on September 12, 2013. The weather was cold and unwelcoming, speaks one who had just left a country boiling at 31 degrees. That half of the year went by too fast, landing me in 2014. In the middle of missing my family in Cameroon and my friends in Kenya, I came to understand that without God I will loose everything dear to me. As I poured myself out to God and assimilated the words given to us in his book, I began to understand things I had read over and over and had no understanding. The year began with so much promising, building friendships and restoring old friendships.
MUTED IN A RELATIONSHIP
When it seemed like everything was going great in my life, my relationship crumbled in March. What started out as a misunderstanding and misrepresentation of words, ended in a permanent closure of both relationship and friendship. This sadden me very much. I looked to the only one with all the answers to ask him WHY? WHAT? and HOW? Was I the only one who didn’t see it coming? Or did God’s plan get fulfilled? It took me many tears, much courage and all wisdom and knowledge that I have been learning from my readings to be able to trust God in this situation. Day in day out, I continually prayed that God’s will be done because I was not ready to accept that my relationship had ended. No phone calls, no emails, no messages and no whatsapp messages or skype. But God in all his goodness and grace asked me if I regretted the time I invested in the relationship. After evaluating it, I realized that possibly, God placed me in that relationship to learn things and deal with things I had not known how to deal with before. While I was in the relationship, I was able to handle difficult situations, counsel my friends based on my own experience and to appreciate the growth in both of us. Now I have passed the stage of questions and have moved on with life, trusting that God knows the best plans for my life even when I am unable to see the light at the end of the tunnel. One thing I look forward to seeing is him smiling down at me at the end of the day, as long as I remember his promise never to leave me nor forsake me. All I need now is courage and strength and trust that he is with me all the way in my future.
Family affairs
The second challenge of my year was knowing that my family was falling apart and I was powerless to do anything about it. Day in and out, I prayed that we will learn to love one another and appreciate each other. I did my best to see each person through God’s eyes, but that didn’t change the situation. I love everyone in my family and appreciate everyone’s efforts in helping me become who I am today. However, I didn’t appreciate being treated like a child by my elders. I have been through primary, secondary, undergraduate and postgraduate as a Peace student and a Bible student, and I have gained so much wisdom. To have those you love see you as a child who does not understand anything, really breaks my heart. I hate divorce and would not want any of my relatives to separate. However, if they are to separate, then it should be for reasons that both agree on. However, when I am being used to pick a side, then it infuriates me very much. Carrying this burden on my heart has led me to bring it before God and trust that his plans are the best. If I allow myself to get angry, then I will not be showing anyone love and care as I Corinthians 13 calls us to do. Being able to reflect on how the issues at home were affecting me with my friends, who were/are able to pray with me has helped me keep my cool and to lay everything before God.
Taking on others’ burdens
When I was a kid, somewhere around age 7, I watched my mother cry. When she would not stop crying, I would startcrying with her because it pained me to see her in tears. I remember that her aunt had shouted at her and called her inferior names. Funny enough, my mother had wanted to help her harvest coffee, but she refused and told my mom she didn’t belong there and should not touch anything of hers (I have no idea how I can remember all of these things, but God has gifted me with a good memory when it comes to the past). Carrying my little sister, I sat down on my mother’s arms and cried with her. She looked down at me and wiped my tears and told me to stop crying. I have a weakness for carrying others suitcases (says Sepo) that are not mine. Looking at my family affairs and watching my little cousin of 19 years old gets treated like an object, really melts my heart. Having grown up in this culture where it is male dominated kills me to know that many years later, nothing has really changed. Powerless to do anything to change the situation while watching from afar, has torn my heart. As I allowed these things to eat at my heart and make me want to burst with pain, my friends stepped in to help me understand that God in all his mercy and grace has offered to carry all that pain and sorrow for me. My Cameroon brother in Kenya too has been going through stress with his thesis in a Christian University. It really infuriates me when Christians put others down rather than appreciate and encourage them. Being powerless to do anything, my friends helped me know that I could pray for them every day and trust that God’s plans are the best. Being able to pray and meditate on God’s word has really shaped how I see the circumstances in my life, my friends and my family’s lives.
Jehovah Jireh (The Lord will provide)
Alongside friends and family affairs, I have just completed my masters and for months before completion and after completion, I have been applying for jobs and having no response. The only job offer I got was with Executive Touch, which could not sponsor me for a work visa. Having my hopes raised and crushed at the same time brought me to question God’s will for me. I have been advised not to limit myself to my field of study. I will not limit myself, but one thing that has kept me going has been the encouragements gotten from sermons in church, spending time in God’s word. Ever since I became a Christian, I had only one goal in life, to live and serve God with all my heart wherever I found myself and in whatever I was doing. Being with the Light Church has increased my growth and knowledge and understanding of who God is. God is not just up there in heaven, picking and choosing who to bless. Listening to our leaders demonstrate God as a living God who walks with us daily through the books of the Old Testament and the New Testament has enabled me to build a personal relationship with him stronger than just knowing he exists. He has become my friend in whom I can confide all my fun memories, my crazy moments and my struggles. He has become a friend that I dance with on the road, although I might look crazy, and a friend I can sit with on my bed and have a two way conversation with. Being able to see him as someone real has enabled me to understand that I can trust him like Abraham to provide as he has promised.
Praying and Encouraging
It is not always easy to have prayer as the first reaction in a difficult situation, especially if our personalities are those of actions and think later. I have been learning to pray for situations rather than complain about them. I thank God for the circumstances mentioned above, because they have enabled me to seek God’s wisdom first. In my human nature, I will see the perpetrators as evil and should be wiped off the face of the earth. However, being able to pray and seek God’s face, I have gained understanding in how to be of encouragement to those facing these circumstances. Many books like I Thessalonnians 5:11, 15-18 have helped me understand that I needed to encourage others and to build them up. I needed to be joyful always, to pray continually and give thanks in all circumstances for it was God’s will for me in Christ Jesus. Reading his word and being able to meditate on it, enabled me to ask myself if these trials that my friends are going through as well as I, are meant to help me increase my faith. As I focused on praying for my friends and their circumstances, I felt much joy and an overflowing of God’s presence with me. Being able to encourage my friends, enabled them to encourage me and pray for me if I could not be strong for everyone. The same words I had been able to give my friends, they brought those same words back to me as I melted down due to the burdens I was carrying. Through their prayers and encouragements, I was reminded of Jesus words in Matthew 11:29-30 when he said ‘Take My yoke upon you and learn from Me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and YOU WILL FIND REST FOR YOUR SOULS. “For My yoke is easy and My burden is light.” I am learning to place all these burdens before him.
Building Great Friendships
The final straw of my year was graduating from the University of Bradford with a Masters in African Peace and Conflict Studies. During my studies, I was blessed to have friends from Zambia, Japan, Nigeria, Germany, France, Latvia, Estonia, Greece, Pakistan, India and many other countries. The women and men that I met all impacted my life in many different ways. Others have become soul sisters and I really thank God for each and everyone of them. I have been able to have controversial conversations and we saw the commonality in each conversation and disagreements, yet we have enjoyed all those conversations. Through their eyes and minds, we were able to share ideas, learn from one another and kill some stereotypes that our cultures or societies have created concerning many different cultures. At the end of the day, we realized that we are all not that different from each other, whether we are white, black, brown, pink, green or whatever color you have ever seen a person. The greatest part has been having friends who can pray with me and slap me on my cheek to stop me from over thinking situations and trying to carry them on my shoulders. Yes I do understand I don’t like injustices and the whole point of Peace studies was to understand each human’s rights and how to settle conflicts. It has been really hard not being able to do anything about certain situations. Having great friends who will let you cry on their shoulders and to drop everything they are doing to come and sit with you and pray with you has been of great courage to me and encouragement. I will not exchange the friendships I have built here for anything else. This does not mean I have forgotten about my friends around the world. They have been on my heart as I have continuously prayed for them. As I look forward to 2015, I wait in anticipation for all that God will do in my life.
MERRY CHRISTMAS
I love Christmas. It brings me so much joy knowing that it is around this time period that my king arrived to bring hope to the world. As I remembered the reason of why I became a Christian, I carry this on to a new year knowing it was not because of all the miracles that Jesus did, but because he could be the loving father that no human being has ever been to me. He is love and no one has ever claimed that title but him and that love led him to die on the cross for my sins and your sins. His love brought him to the cross so that I could be forgiven for all the wrongs I have done, so that I would not be punished for them. Therefore, it reminds me to love and forgive people who have hurt me and to see them through his eyes and to see myself as he sees me not as I see myself. I pray you too will be able to see yourself for how he sees you. I would like to spend this Christmas with friends, visiting families and letting them know how much Jesus loves and cares for each and everyone of them. Presents are good, but do they matter if we have no love in our hearts for those who are there for us? Do we only show how much we love them through material things? Every day for me is Christmas and December is only a symbol of that time period that we are reminded of Love’s arrival here on earth. Don’t get carried away by the need to buy gifts, get a big turkey and forget to share love. See your family members for who they truly are not for what you would wish them to be.
This has been a growing year for me, and I thank each and everyone in my life for playing such a heavy part in helping me grow in my faith and knowledge. “For I know the plans I have for you”, says the Lord, “Plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you a future and a hope”. Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding, but in all your ways, acknowledge him and he shall make your path straight.

Yesterday was quite a day for me. As I walked into my volunteering place in the morning, I tried to find my happiness. My happiness in the mornings often comes from a beautiful quiet moment with God and a song. But if I had not had that beautiful talk with my father in the morning, then I feel a little guilty. Lisa (boss) read the story of Martha and Mary (Luke 10:38-42). For many people who do not know the story, the summary is this: Jesus comes to visit Martha and Mary. Martha busy herself with making refreshments and yummy stuff for the guests, while Mary like some people who don’t like work, lazily (according to some of us and Martha) sits and listens to Jesus speak. Martha gets mad that she’s not helping and complains to Jesus. Jesus says Martha, you made a choice to worry about food and Mary made a choice to sit and listen to the word. Mary has chosen wisely. He was not saying Martha was not doing right, but that this could have been done later or earlier before Jesus arrived (My thought). It is all about what we do first. The question was, are you a Martha or a Mary?

As we were discussing and reflecting on our daily lives, I realized how much of a Martha I had become in the past few weeks. I have been worrying about my upcoming driving theory test; the amount of time I was not spending with God; finding a job or travelling home; relationships; friends and what my future will be like. Alison shared something she had gotten over the weekend along the same lines. We the Marthas worry a lot about the things of the past and the things of the future. We forget to live for the present and we live in the past and the future. The past speaks of the things we did wrong, or could have done and should have done. It holds us bondage as we try to understand the outcomes had we done what we didn’t do. Or we appreciate the past more than the present and relive what we had in the past and not the present. For the future, we are afraid of what it will look like. We worry about jobs (me and others), our decisions and the people in our lives, as well as the circumstances. All this worrying prevents us from listening to God and talking to him. When we do talk to him, we find ourselves distracted from all the worrying. God tells us to cast all our anxiety on him.

This morning as I woke up, I was really excited for the day. I took my Bible out and kept saying thank you Lord for a new morning. I realized I was merely repeating what I do every morning. I found myself distracted by so many things. Thoughts of my friends came into my mind. I tried singing a song to get back into the quiet mood, but nothing really happened. I began worrying about my quiet time. If it is not productive, then I will probably not have a productive day. For a good 10mins I tried praying many times, but the right words were not coming out. I started thinking about the jobs I had applied to and how none of them had responded to me. I started questioning my heart and what if I was pretending to be ok with God making the decision for me. All these things going through my mind, I could not even find my Father in the mist of all these things in my mind and heart. I wanted to cry, but felt empty and very distracted and seeing so many wrongs. That’s when I remembered the devotions yesterday and what we had discussed about. The Bible says that we cannot serve two masters at once, or we will favour one over the other. This morning, I was feeding my worries rather than having a peaceful quiet and honest time with God.

I closed my eyes and opened my hands as a sign of surrender. I began the prayer by thanking God for who he was and for being there for me even when I get distracted. As I thanked him for the many ways he has been there for me, revealing himself in his word, I found the words easily. The words flooded out like they had been holding back for years. I began to feel his presence with me, and my heart was in line with his. I marvelled at his goodness and love. That when I realized that talking to God should be something natural, because it comes from your heart and it shouldn’t be a rehearsed prayer. Most often, we come with an agenda and forget to let him know that we love him always even if our requests are not met. I was able to smile and trust that God knows exactly what he is doing. Even being able to write these words, was a miracle from him, for I had tried writing two times, but couldn’t find the right words.

We need to remember that what we are doing today is what the Lord wants us to do NOW. We should learn to live in the now and not worry about the things of life. We can acknowledge that things need to be done, but we cannot busy ourselves with doing so much that we forget to nourish our spirits. We cannot focus on being there for a friend if we cannot devote the same amount of time or even more to God. We shouldn’t let our work become everything that we do not spend that time with God. If it was not for him, you will not be where you are today. Being a Martha is beautiful, but sometimes you just need to become a Mary and listen to God’s voice. Don’t think you know better than he does.

There’s nothing new under the sun, says the old wise king Solomon. He was very right about that. When I think of the many women and men today who feel terrible about themselves, I shake my head. Some have taken to depression, because they feel like they are not good enough, they will never be someone who others admire, appreciate or consider as one of them in the society. Others turn to bad eating habits, which include, overeating or eating less. All because someone out there, told them they were skinny, fat, or nothing.

The people in our lives are the ones we consider as loved ones, close friends and our support system. They are the ones who encourage us, empower us and push us to be better. However, if all we ever get out of them are negative comments which destroy our self-image, confidence and potentials, then these are not people we should keep, unless they are your family members and you can do nothing about them, except to forgive them

Nothing we go through today is new, for people in the past have experienced it as well. At this point, I would like to direct us not to a negative example, but a positive example of people we should have in our lives.  Joshua was a “young” warrior, who had just had his master Moses taken from him. He was appointed the new leader of Israel and given the task to take the Israelite across the Jordan River into the Promise Land. He was told to be strong and courageous, and God promised in Joshua 1:5 that “No one will be able to stand up against you all the days of your life. As I was with Moses, So I will be with you:I will never leave you nor forsake you.” This is a mighty promise, which God kept. I often put myself in Joshua’s spot, assimilating the words as mine. However, I was very much moved by what the warriors said to him.

He talked to the tribes that already had their lands to the East of Jordan. They had promised to help their brothers claim their own lands when time came for them to occupy it. What gives me pride about these people, is that they said to Joshua, “Whatever you have commanded us we will do, and wherever you send us we will go. Just as we fully obeyed Moses, so we will obey you. ONLY MAY THE LORD your God be with you as he was with Moses” Joshua 1:16-17. How I see this, is that these men knew that Joshua was their chosen leader, who had commanded them as a warrior and led them through many battles. They didn’t look to his skills as a warrior, but pledged their lives to him, as long as God was the one leading and guiding him as he did Moses. They were willing to lay down their lives for him as long as he was doing what God had called him to do. Those were the friends and support system he had.

I have many wonderful people in my life, who have been there for me, encouraging me to be who God has called me to be. They have been praying for me, with me and have never given up on my dreams and visions for the future. They knew and still know that as long as God was/is leading me and guiding me, nothing would be impossible for me. I thank God each and everyday for the prayer warriors he has placed around me. My grandmother has never stopped believing in what God has called me to do and she has not complained about the amount of time and effort she has spent sending me through school. Although we have no specific fruits and results for all love and care she has shown me, she has not stopped encouraging me, providing for me and loving me as well as praying for me. My mother, although far away from me, she wipes my tears over the phone, when I feel like I am not worthy and confident enough to carry out my mission. In her voice, I am able to hear God’s voice, letting me know that I can trust him and letting me know that he sees and cares. The warm hugs I get from my friends and the smiles they have when they see me, encourages me and lifts my spirits, letting me know that it is not the end. Things will work out even if the world seems to say otherwise.

These people in my life have empowered the woman I am today, and like Joshua, I am grateful to have them. I am not afraid of what they will think of me, because I know that they will always love me and encourage me as long as I am doing what God has called me to do. It doesn’t matter what others say about you if you are doing what God has called you to do. If you are trusting that he will never leave you nor forsake you, then he will put people around you who will become your support system and encourage you through prayers, songs, laughter and a good time. God is with you through the people he places in your life that are meant to encourage you and be there for you. They should be able to make you laugh, when all you want to do is cry, and they should be able to say you are beautiful, even when you have makeup smeared all over your face. They should be able to tell you that you are loved and precious when everyone else says NO, because you and I are made in God’s image and we are precious. Who are the people in your life? Do they encourage you or put you down?

Every person has their own personal childhood stories. Sometimes one can relate with them and most often, their story is unique and should be treated as such. My past is mine to remember and change certain things for my own children and other children, but I won’t change the good things that happened to me. I will appreciate them and commend them to any child anywhere.

God has placed a love for children over my heart so much that I can explode with love for them. Hmmmm. Not sure what kind of statement I just made. I began babysitting when I was five years old. At that age today, some children don’t even know how to hold their own sibling or even share with one another. I remembered being a very obedient girl, which was the case for most children who grew up in homes where they were to be seen and not heard. so I dedicated myself to taking care of children. With them, I was free to be me. This love grew even deeper as I got older and became a Christian.

When I asked Jesus into my heart at sixteen years, I thought superb, now everything in my life will be a smooth ride. Boy! Was I down for some major disappointment. I felt the same way and constantly had nightmares of demons trying to kill me for a consecutive two years. I almost gave up on God in those two years. My attitude became stronger than before. My grandmother cried many tears in those two years, for she could not understand me. I couldn’t understand myself and wanted her to help me understand me. We both didn’t know how to help each other, thus we concluded that the other was a terrible person. Things were going on inside of me that I didn’t know how to deal with them.

In the summer of 2006, I went for training as a Child Evangelism Fellowship Bible Club teacher. I understood Jesus love for children and wanted to share it with them. In all honesty, I found myself struggling very much. I myself was new to grasping this love, and wasn’t sure how to show it to the children. I would get frustrated when they would not listen. In the summer of 2007, when I was turning eighteen years, I went for the second training, and this time, I was more aware of God’s love and care for me. I could see a change in who I was, and what I was becoming. This time i was crying out for people to realize the change in me. After the training and returning from the mission work, I decided to start a Bible Club for Children in French, with the help of my best friend and her family. I barely knew how to speak French, but was determined. I was still struggling with anger issues and forgiveness, and still didn’t know how to react to children who were not listening and only came to disturb. I couldn’t beat them. It would make no difference between me and their parents at home. My only cry was for them to understand how much God loved and cared for them. I wanted them to have dreams for their future and visions.

It would break my heart so much when young boys of thirteen would be whistling at teenage girls or little girls and asking them to go to bed together. I would look up to heaven and cry.  I knew that their parents had no restrictions to the kind of movies and shows these children watched. Now that I look back, I thank God for my grandmother’s role in my life. She was firm and strict, but she protected me from becoming what most children became around me. Many girls my age had children before they were sixteen and I could not understand why. I wanted so bad to do something for the future generation, and that was God’s calling for me. I knew I had to work with Children around the world, especially those on the streets and vulnerable homes.

Sometimes we have dreams and visions and they come with lots of roses like in Mary Poppins. Everything in your head seems so beautiful and wonderful, and everyone is understanding and happy. That’s the beauty of imagination, which makes everything so simple. Now if we live in that little world of imagination without a strong heart for the reality, then when reality does hit, it will knock us out. I want to start an Organization for Street Children in Cameroon and from there see where God wants me to start another one. So I want to learn how to walk at home before I can fly in the sky. In the past few months of hanging out with some children in my neighbourhood, I have been able to recap myself with the reason for wanting to work with children in the first place.

These children have been a challenge to me emotionally, physically, mentally and spiritually. The words that come out of their mouths leave me breathless. The attitudes they have, and the way they treat their elders just resonates certain rhythms in me that I thought I had dealt with.

Today was one of those days. I had been helping our Youth and Children’s Worker at church arranging for these children to attend a Mega Holiday Club at church, for the past three weeks. These children were excited and ready to go to the club. I was excited and  looked forward to organizing transport for them and taking them there. However, when I went to collect the forms from their parents two families signed and the third family said they would sign it. On Thursday when I went to collect the forms, the last family said they cannot because they are afraid of social workers and the Police. Then one of the families that had signed also said she was not comfortable to let her children go. She had the largest number. So the ten children who had signed up were down to two.

When the two learnt that their friends were not coming, they said goodbye to their mom, and once outside of their house, they took off leaving me there. “If the others are not going, then we are not also going”. They ran off and I had to chase them down. When I did find them, they were playing with the other boys. All four boys ganged up on me, beating me, insulting me and saying as many hurtful things and curse words as they could. They couldn’t understand that I could not take the other boys without their parents’ consent. I just sat on a bench and cried. I was physically, emotionally and spiritually drained.

How was I to show God’s love to these children, if I reported them to their parents? They would never trust me again or listen to anything I say. How was I to help them understand their parents were just looking out for their interest? It was not my place to drag the other two to a Holiday Club, hence I sat down, wanting to beat them up. They were really hurting me physically, and I just prayed for them. I cried not because of the pain, but because I knew they were so ignorant and didn’t understand how to love. They have not been shown that love and thought everything they wanted could be gotten through a fist.

As I sat on the bench and prayed for them, I remembered that Jesus loves all the little children of the world. If loving them means I have to take the bitter lemon and swallow it just so I can earn their trust and show them love, then I would do it for the sake of my savior. Beating a child for some of us who grew up through that method as a sign of discipline and love would sound ideal and effective. How different would we be from their parents who never say any encouraging words to these kids? As they stood there watching me cry, some began to feel guilty. God bless one child who was not taking part and he tried to explain to them how unfair they have been to me, when all I have ever done was to be nice to them. He made me cry even more, because he often thinks before he acts. I love them all and will take all the bullets if necessary, and I know Jesus’ heart was breaking for them. I will not stop being their friend. If this is what I shall face in the future, then let all the obstacles fall. I shall not be broken. Thanks to Group 1 Crew for reminding me that God said ‘I won’t give you more, more than you can take, I might let you bend, but I won’t let you break’. That was a song I listened too while in tears and got so much courage when the next song was Courageous by Casting Crowns.

These children are a gift from God and I shall love them the same way he loves me and will break down for them. Now I have seen a glimpse of my journey and I know my source of strength is not in how much I love these kids, but in how much God loves them and wants me to help them see him. With these words, I shall trust in the Lord with all my heart and lean not on my own understanding. In all my ways, I shall acknowledge his will and power in my life, for I know he alone can make my path straight.

OK: Still drain and with a massive migraine slowly creeping in.