There are bits of facts about me that people do not know. This however, does not mean I will write them all out here for you. For the purpose of what I want to say, I shall share a little about myself. I was two and half years old with my twin brother when my father divorced my mother for another woman. I am sure many people can relate to this bit of information, which is exactly why I was prompted to share today as I sat praying for families loosing loved ones this morning.

MY BACKGROUND

I grew up moving from one village to another in my beautiful country Cameroon. Like many children in my situation, my mother moved in with her aunt who had grown up children of her own, so the house could not accommodate us all. We lived with them for about a year and half, and moved to her Uncle’s home in another village. There, my mother was not welcomed by her Uncle’s wife. She was made to feel worthless, insignificant and a nobody. I remembered many times I cried with her when she cried, and how she would wash my face with water and I will try to wash her face. Her aunt would not let her touch any thing that belonged to her. Now that I look at it, I thank God for how the family compound was laid out.

In most ethnic groups back home, the Man’s house is always separate from his wife’s or wives’ houses, so that he can have a place to host his guests. There’s always a guest room depending on the owner of the compound. Her uncle had a spare house, which my family of five was able to occupy. We lived in that place for about 2 years, and in that time period, my mother lost her mother. I only got to see my grandmother for two weeks and she died. Then my now stepfather came and married my mother. I honestly didn’t have a relationship with him. My little sister was born and we moved to his big compound, where we were not much loved either.

At age 9, I started schooling and a year later, I was taken to the capital city to live with my aunt and that’s where I met my now ‘grandmother’, whom I love dearly. Coming from the village, I knew only my native language Kom and no other language. Hehehe. Don’t feel sorry for me. It was a fun sight to behold. I spent half my days in class, speaking in my language when I was frustrated with those small children. These children were between ages 5-7, and I was turning 10 years old in second grade. FUN FUN, when you are called a grandmother. Now it looks funny, but back then it was not one bit. I thank God he blessed me with a mind for calculations back then. Some how I managed to come out 2nd in the class when grades came out the first term. The next term, I was off to third grade and finish that year. Then I was off to a private school where I finished primary, went to secondary, got moved to an International school where I graduated in 2009.

BECOMING ME

Over the years that I lived in the city, I saw families mistreat each other, I saw families loving each other and I saw families betray each other and families who just wanted to be loved. I saw people look down on others, stigmatize others and call others names, without fully getting to understand their situation. I was caution not to talk to strangers, which was for my own safety, especially men, who were classified as dangerous. Young girls like me where not supposed to be out late at night. I knew all that, and I had already made myself a promise to stay clear of men except for when I played football. HEHEHE. That could not be stopped. Once I learnt how to sprint with that ball, I found a way to get stronger.

Throughout my teenage years, I really longed for the love of a father. Every time my friends talked about their fathers, I wished I had one who loved me as much. I wished I had a father who could treasure me, protect me from all harm and still love me when I made mistakes. I cried some nights, because I didn’t have a relationship with my step-father and my own father didn’t live me with good memories either. I longed and longed for what could never be mine. STEP BACK. When I was turning 11, my “grandma” now asked if I would like to stay upstairs with her, while my aunt and uncle lived downstairs. I said sure. I never left again. I have been my grandma’s granddaughter for the last 14 years of my life. Our journey together was full of ups and downs. We hurt each other, cried together, learnt to love and laugh in our struggles to understand what it meant to be in a relationship. I was in reality the first child she was raising in her life, without someone else living in the same house to help her. We were both and still are from two different cultures, and it was hard trying to balance both cultures. I am so grateful that God has taught us both how to accommodate and two cultures together.

Like any teenager, I always thought life was unfair, she was unfair, unkind and didn’t care for anyone but herself. This was never true. I knew she loved me, because she never got rid of me and would still take me to my football games, basketball games and volleyball games. She would still be the one taking photos of me, encouraging me in whatever awesome thing I was gifted in. I have stage fright, but she encouraged me to take voice lessons, because she realized I could sing. I still have stage fright, so anyone reading this should not ask me to sing in any events. I love playing around with songs in my head, especially when I mix up verses. HEHEHE. We both learnt how to appreciate each other’s strengths, started talking about our cultural differences, and learning to say ‘I AM SORRY FOR…’ I can confidently say, my grandma is one of my best friends today, not just because she provides for me, but because I can share with her everything about my life, and know she will be there when I need her.

My uncle played his part as well in trying to help me grow. He was tough and I called him ‘police’ because he never seemed to have a smile on his face. Any policemen out there reading this, please don’t take offense, for the era I grew up in, I didn’t see any nice policemen, except red-eye men screaming at you or making you feel worthless. He had clashes with my grandma in how to raise me, because both of them were brought up in two different cultures. So that’s how come I was torn between two cultures. Looking back, I think I was rescued in my teenage years by both of them in different ways. At time, I felt like I was torn between them, and it hurt so much.

All this while, I was getting to understand God’s love for me and the things people said about him. I was trying to see people practice the lifestyle that Jesus taught them in the Bible. Half the time, I would see people telling others what to do, but not doing it themselves. It was hard for me to accept Jesus, especially when those who told you of what he wanted me to be, didn’t live the way he wanted his followers to live. I found some amazing Christians growing up and their lifestyles made me want to have what they had.

FILLING THE VOID

One day when I was 16 years old, after wishing and longing for a father who could love me, I laid on a bed and spoke to an empty room. ‘God, I have heard so much about you. I have heard that you love me and that is why you sent your son to die for my sins. I have done so many things that I am not proud of. I love my grandmother, but don’t know how to show her. I want to change the person I am, but don’t know how to. I also wish to have a father, but I cannot have one. I see my friends having family that love them, and my family always seems to be mad at each other. Please Lord, if you can make everything right.. I don’t have a father, can you please be my father. The stories in the Bible showed how you loved and cared for people and children. I want to have that love as well and I want to live a life that is worthy of you. I am tired of hurting my grandmother. Teach me Lord’. That day was when I found my FATHER. I cannot say that I changed over night. I had began to experience spiritual attacks and that’s when I knew my battle has begun. I had nightmares of demons, people chasing after me to kill me. Nope. These were not my imagination or reaction to any movies I had been watching, for my movies were limited and I didn’t watch television. These were people I knew, in the village and some I didn’t know.

For two years I battle with them, as I turned my life over to God. I was breaking free, and the devil wanted to hold me back. He had fed on my anger and hate for years, and didn’t want me to go. The nightmares were no longer dark as usual, for in my subconsciousness, I was calling out to God. Like the Psalmists said, ‘6The lines have fallen to me in pleasant places; Indeed, my heritage is beautiful to me. 7I will bless the LORD who has counseled me; Indeed, my mind instructs me in the night. 8I have set the LORD continually before me; Because He is at my right hand, I will not be shaken…’ As I called out to him in my nightmares, I had would reach down and rescue me or a Bright light will surround me, so that the darkness disappeared. At 18 years of age, I fully gave my life over to God knowing he was never going to let any harm come to me. I found pure joy and love in him. I no longer needed a father, for what if my earthly father never gave up on us? I would never have known what true love really was like. I could never have found unconditional love. It was not always easy, but building a new relationship takes time and trust and love are built. Throughout my years at University, temptations came my way, but I vowed to stick with him who rescued me and gave me a reason to live. I have grown in my relationship with God and my relationship with my family as well. Everyone in my family is special to me, and I have learnt to love them for who they are. Everyone has their short comings and God has been teaching me how to love each one uniquely, as well as love outside of my family. There are many children roaming the streets, with no one to show them love and care for them. They feel unloved and not cared for, but God has been placing a huge burden on my heart for them in the past few years. SO EXCITED TO SEE HOW I CARRY OUT MY MISSION.

TO YOU

It doesn’t matter the life you have lived or the things you have done to fulfill a longing in your heart, only one person can fulfill that longing. You and I are created in God’s image, and he created us in such a way that we are connected with him in spirit. We may have family and friends who love us, and we can love them back. We can obtain all the riches in the world, but we will always have a void within us which can only be filled by God, because that’s how he created us. We will always have a part of us missing, which can never be filled by any human being. Once we allow God to fill it, we find true fulfillment. I am not one to say I can explain mental illnesses, but I do understand however that depression is not a good place to be in. I sometimes get depress for no particular reason, and the first person I run to is God alone, so he can point out the source of my depression. You might have been disappointed in your life, felt unloved, worthless and degraded. You might want to feel wanted and loved by those around you, and you might never get that want and need to be love. Maybe you have found other ways to fill that emptiness inside of you, hoping the pain will go away. Maybe you are struggling with guilt and shame, and thinking you are the worse person on earth. Maybe you think it is your fault that everyone around you do not like you or you did something that nobody wants to tell you about.

Take a deep breathe and close your eyes. There’s nobody else on this earth who knows you better than the one true Father in heaven. You are loved and cherish by God. The world has created mind blocks in our lives making us believe that the only way to flourish is by having wealth. For one to achieve this, we put others down to feel better about themselves, which in my view is call bullying. God teaches us something much more that enables us to flourish together, which is love. Only pure love will fill the void that people lack inside of them. God is extending his hand to you who have been shattered, broken, abandoned, been on drugs, been on the edge and have lost all sight of hope. He offers you freedom, joy and fulfillment. It won’t be an easy journey, but you are not alone in it. I am here for you, others are there for you and he is always there for you even in those moments when you think you are alone. He is sitting next to you, crying and wishing you would just acknowledge that you need him. You need to take the first step and call out to him and he will be there to answer your call.