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I AM SORRY FOR THE CHOICES I MADE

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The Lord is compassionate and gracious, slow to anger and abounding in love. He will not always accuse, nor will he harbor his anger forever; he does not treat us as our sins deserve or repay us according to our iniquities. For as high as the heavens above the earth, so great is his love for those who fear him; as far as the east is from the West, so far has he removed our transgressions from us.  Psalm 103:8-12

In the past eleven months of my stay in Bradford and volunteering with Bradford Central Foodbank, I have come across people who felt hopeless in their situations. I have invited many to church, and most would say “I used to go to church, but God did nothing for me”. I was especially moved last week when this man came in and you could hear in his voice that he was desperate to get out of his situation. He explained that he had started going to church in hopes that God would reach out to him and free him from the bondage of drugs. When that didn’t happen, he became resentful towards his friend who had been set free and the church and most of all, God. I felt like giving him a hug and crying with him, but that would have been inappropriate and unprofessional. I just smiled at him and prayed in my heart for the right words to speak to him.

Something that Nick Vujicic said in one of his sermons came back to me. Looking to God and asking him “Why?” Why am I the only one in this situation? Why can I not get out of the situation I am in? You promised to be there for me, but you are not. Why am I the only one trying to get out and you are not helping me like you did to others? I felt so much love for this man who desperately wanted to understand what he was doing wrong. As I looked at him, I told him to just listen. I prayed for the right words to come out, and I began talking.

I told him he was on the right track seeking a path to get out of his bondage. I told him God was in pain with him and wishing to bring him home. I then asked him what his prayers involved. Sometimes we turn to God asking the why question, trying to make God explain himself to us, when it should be the other way around. The “why” questions often lead us to thinking that God only keeps the wrong things we do, and is punishing us for the things we did. God like every father does discipline those he loves, but let us not confuse his discipline for unforgiveness.

I then asked him if he went to God with a heart of repentance seeking forgiveness for the choices he had made or did he go to God, demanding an explanation, as well as telling God that God owes him. He stopped for a moment and said ‘I think, my prayers always involved me controlling the situation and demanding an explanation. I had never stopped to think about it.” We talked a lot more and I began to see a new hope in his eyes. He had not had friends who were supportive and encouraging, nor people from within the church to lead and encourage him. He didn’t have people to talk to that would advise him and be there for him. Since it was already closing time, I told him that he should come by anytime to Foodbank and talk to any of us and we would be there for him.

I explained to him that God loves him and wishes to have him home. The connection he seeks with God comes when he recognizes the choices he has made that has wounded God. The true healing process will begin when he confesses to God that he has done so many wrongs and is unable to save himself. He confessed that he has tried many things to try and free himself, including church as mentioned above, but the connection with God was still not fixed. His heart, from a human perspective, seemed to be ready, but only God sees and knows. So I told him I will be praying for him and he should visit more often for a chat or lunch.

Psalm 103 clearly states that God is compassionate and gracious. He does not stand there accusing us and tormenting us with our sins, but he loves us abundantly. When we understand this love and how he sees us, we will then understand that God does not hold a grudge against us, but forgives and waits for us to repent of our wrongs. Nothing to him is a secret. He is all knowing and wants a relationship with us and not just a controlling and demanding relationship. Some people would ask, if God knows everything and knew the choices I would make, then why did he allow it to happen? God gave us free choices, but do we have to choose the wrong things? Do you have to go where you know you shouldn’t because you have been given the choice? If he controlled us, we would still complain and ask him why? God loves us enough to let us know that the world, will deceive us, entice us and drag us, yet he allows us the freedom to say NO or YES, praying that the part of him which is in us, will speak to us. We are made in his image and the still small voice that usually says ‘DON’T’ and we ignore it, is usually God’s voice. At the end of the day, we make a choice and if that was a wrong choice, it is up to us to come back to him and say “Father, I have sinned against you. Please forgive me for not listening to your voice”. That’s a beautiful relationship that God designed for us and him through his  son Jesus Christ. Jesus paid the price for our sins and we can come to him and confess our sins and allow God to fill the void inside our hearts. We deserve punishment and death for our sins, but God in his love and compassion, gave us Jesus as an atoning sacrifice. Try not to ask WHY, but say I AM SORRY for the choices I made.

HOW DID I KNOW I WAS IN-LOVE WITH YOU?

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How did I know I was in love with you? I could say it was the first time that you called my name.  The sound of your voice was so sweet and musical when you called my name, making my heart wishing to hear it over and over. BUT NO! That wasn’t on our first encounter.

Again I could say it was the first day you wrote me that beautiful love letter declaring your love for me. I felt so special with my head in the clouds, smiling to myself, saying I was the luckiest woman on earth. BUT NO! That was not the day either.

It might have been on that fateful day that you saw me crying and said I was beautiful, although I had tear stains on my cheeks and puffy eyes. The warmth of your embrace gave me strength to smile, laugh and drop a tear of joy even when I had just finished all my tears of pain. BUT NO! That too was not the day.

All these glimpses of what was in our relationship could have been the perfect moments for me to love you forever. Yet those days to me were days of questions, anticipation and curiosity. My mind kept asking me what you wanted from me. I lived the moment with you because no one else had ever given me such attention. When you went silent and I felt alone, I called out your name. When you wouldn’t pick up my call to let me hear your voice, I became desperate. Days and weeks went by without as much as a word of comfort from you, giving me sleepless nights. I was frantic, not knowing why that bothered me so much. When the realization stroke that I was losing you, I knew without a doubt, that I had fallen in love with you.

That moment released assorted feelings within me. I knew you had been the one who sustained me. You had been my help. I had not realized how much I trusted in your unfailing love till you seemed to fade away. Your promises of love for ever echoed in my mind and I asked myself if you would still love me. With every passing day, I prayed and trusted in you. I prayed never to be a fool again. Your words of affirmation lingered in my heart and mind though you seemed so far away. I knew without a doubt that you loved me and still do. The things you taught me are coming back with each passing day as I hold onto your promises of love. The memories of us together give me renewed strength for you had carried me through those huddles that I could not go through. Now when I whisper my heart out to you, the sound of your voice lifts my spirit.

O that I had the wings of a dove; I would fly to you just to give you a big warm embrace. You had given me everything a woman could ever want, and that was YOU. You loved me despite my selfishness, arrogance and pride. Yet in my moments of need, you were there to fight by my side. Upon you now, I cast all my cares, because I know you will sustain me and never let me fall. You have given me you and I cannot help but say that I AM SO IN LOVE WITH YOU.

The above letter is to the one who holds my heart in every way. Yes. You alone know the issues of the heart and I will be a fool to not trust in your unfailing love Jesus. Thank you for loving me long before I knew you.

There are certain things you don’t just share with the public and expect them to believe you. It is not every day that you hear a genuine confession of love. Our lives have become so private that we are afraid to openly tell the ones we love and care for how we feel. We have become so arrogant and prideful in our affections for one another, that we have hidden our true feelings and mostly express what the other would like to see and hear from us. Being in a relationship has become more of a pass time situation, where you don’t see a need to tell the other how you truly feel. Don’t worry, I am not ruling out the fact that you might have been hurt badly and are only trying to protect yourself from the pain. Just remember that if you guard yourself too tightly, you will end up hurting yourself, when you lose The One. Do you only have to be in a romantic relationship to know that someone cares for you?