Marriage is not for children, nor is it for self-centered people.

Over the few years of my marriage, I have come to understand the true meaning of the word “marriage”. Just before I share with you my understanding, I have a question for you. When you stood in front of the judge, mayor, official or pastor and vowed to take ____________ to be your lawful wedded _____________, did you know what it entailed? To be honest, I thought I knew, but I grew to fully understand the meaning of those vows.

The day you say I do, you literally say that I give up my personal agenda to make decisions and do what I want. You agree to compliment, be a companion and a helper to your spouse.

As a complimentary spouse, you become his missing piece. In this role, you basically help see things from another angle. When you have decisions and choices to make or ideas and goals you would like to achieve, you run those ideas by your spouse, so you both can evaluate the advantages and disadvantages to these ideas and goals as a couple. Your goal is to build success in your home together without minimizing the other’s efforts. You are there to encourage and affirm each other’s efforts, and it doesn’t matter who earns more than the other. Whatever skill the other is lacking in, you make up for it. For example, I am pretty good at organizing the house, documents and filing things. I can easily tell you where something is, while my husband on the other hand can barely keep up with where things are. Yet he has other skills that I don’t have. So we are complimentary in those areas where one fits more than the other. He is pretty good at analyzing things, and I am good at executing them. It might be annoying to constantly hit a wall while you are trying to teach your spouse, but you shouldn’t give up. We all learn at different paces, and God has called us to truly exercise patience with one another. Furthermore, you are there to build a strong home that you will be proud of in the years ahead, and your children will learn from you.

In terms of being a companion, God said “It is not good for the man to live alone. I will make a suitable companion to help him” (Gen 2:18) What does this mean to spouses? Why did God make that statement? If you look at the previous verses, you will find that God had given Adam the task to “cultivate it and guard it” (Gen 2:15). The “it” refers to the garden which God made. This was a huge task for Adam, so God decided to make for him a suitable helper to help him.  After he made Eve for Adam, we are told that Adam looked at her and was pleased. In verse 24, the bible says “That is why a man leaves his father and mother and is united with his wife, and they become one.” Spouses must be very important if they are willing to part from their family homes and to go and make a home for themselves with the one they love.

How would that companionship look like in our 21^st century? I would guess it means sharing time together. This would include going out together as husband and wife and not as separate entities. You basically give up your boys or girls hangout evenings and make time for those once in a while because you are no longer a single person. It also means visiting friends together as a couple to provide a sense of security, accountability and inclusiveness as a couple. You cut down on the time spent with friends when you were single, for your spouse has filled that gap. This doesn’t mean you should not see your friends or try to spend time with them, but you let them know that your time is dedicated to wanting to build your relationship with your spouse, and they should respect that. Your should understand that you respect them and care about their emotional state; hence, you want to make decisions that build your relationship and not break it.

In line with being a companion, you are also a helper to your spouse. This can range from chores (cooking, cleaning, grocery shopping, house organization and dishes), finances to protection from outside. As a spouse, you need to remind yourself that you are each other’s companions; hence no one is a slave to the other. It doesn’t matter who brings the pay check home. Out of respect and love for one another, you ask each other how you can be of assistance. If you happen to come home earlier than the other person (taken that you both work full time jobs), find out what you can do to assist the other, so that dinner is on the table on time. Ladies, we need to up our game a little bit more and strife for excellence in our kitchens (I have been slagging in it a little). My mother always told us that the kitchen is a woman’s pride. This is where she wins her husband. In a way, that is how I captured my husband’s heart. The moment you enter through the door, ask yourself if you have food for your family to eat. Make a decision on when you would like to eat dinner as a family, so you can plan to have dinner ready by that time. I know we live in a world today where every little action calls for feminism, but I also understand that I love my husband and want to cook for him. I want people to understand that he has a wife that cares and takes care of him. Therefore, I would not want someone to tell me someday that I am not feeding my husband well. Before I even met him, I had asked God to build me into the woman he needs me to be for my husband, so that I can be ready for when he comes. Daily, I strife to become that woman. This begins with me wanting to feed him well and at a good time. I am trying to say that we should not expect them to cook, but we should be thankful when they offer to cook. NEVER ask your husband to cook when he tells you that he is hungry. First, what were you doing without cooked food? Consider your husband as your first child. Through him, you will learn to have food ready for your home when the children do come if you already do not have them. Children should not be hungry at home with food in the fridge. Have dinner or lunch ready before you start to do anything work related, so that they know they can serve themselves. Also, if either spouse won’t be home for dinner, call and inform the other that you will be late for dinner depending on your arrangement with them. These things take communication and understanding back and forth with each other and not arguments between each other where it is my way or the highway (nothing).

For the rest of the chores, you can work a schedule out with each other, so that you both know your responsibilities. Once, those responsibilities have been set, try not to load it over each other. Give each other time to get used to the arrangements (I must confess that I was quite terrible at it when we first started, but after much trial and fail, we began to get the hang of things). Find a gentle way to remind each other of your responsibilities especially if someone does not do theirs, and they become a hindrance to you needing to accomplish your own task. Avoid accusing each other and needless arguments, for they will become more of an obstacle in your journey to maturity. Don’t hold grudges. They are not healthy. If anything, try and resolve them when you are both calm. Listen to each other before cutting in, so you are actually listening.  

Finances are usually the greatest challenge in a marriage, especially when both individuals are so used to spending money how they want and making decisions because they are alone. However, when you agree to “joint” property and “joint” everything in your marriage certificate, it basically meant that your earnings will no longer be yours alone. DON’T STOP YET. HEAR ME OUT. Sometimes we have this misconception in relationships that the man is supposed to do everything for the family when it concerns finances. Even in a dating relationship, there’s the expectation that the man has to pay for the meals, give money so the lady maintains herself to look good for him. EXCUSE ME, there is no law that says he has to. However, in a marriage situation, he is as society has placed it, supposed to fend for the family. Nowhere is it written that a woman cannot support her husband with her earnings. How will you achieve those wonderful dreams if you only expect your husband to bring in the money? He may not have the amazing dream job you had hope your husband would have, but it doesn’t mean you love him less. It breaks my heart to watch women walk out on their husbands because they do not earn as much as them or because the husband is unable to provide for everything that the family needs. My question usually is, what have you done as their companion and helper to help them? Did you marry them for what they can provide for you, or did you marry them because they are the one you love and want to spend the rest of your life with them with or without the fat pay check?

I understand that men also have the misconception that they are the man of the house and provide for the needs of the home, so why should they put the extra effort to clean or cook or take care of the children while the wife is there. The simple answer is this: YOU CARE AND LOVE YOUR WIFE ENOUGH NOT TO LET HER SHOULDER EVERYTHING. In as much as society defined these roles for us, we can make decisions on how to go about them because we love and respect each other. So, men should not feel all high and mighty that they provide for the house (especially when the wife is a sit-a-home mom) for she has a full time job at home.

Women, if you happen to be earning much more money than your husband, do not let it get to your head where you minimize him and look down on him. It hurts when I hear my neighbours insult their husbands and call them names because they do not have a stable job or do not earn as much as their friends do. Yet, they have the most expensive hairdos, shoes, makeup, nails and so on. It baffles me always when people complain that they do not have money to save, but when you take a look at their dressing, you understand where all the money go. Ladies and gentlemen, I understand that you want to look good, but should you look good at the expense of your bank account? Are you planning to have a family? Do you have a family? How are you planning for their future? The extra income you earn is not for you to spend it how you want, but it is for you to put in your joint account, so you can realize the projects you have as a couple. It doesn’t matter how much you earn, but you are able to show your support for each other through your earnings.

For example, I earn a good salary more than my husband, but he knows how much I earn. I don’t hide it from him nor does he hide his earnings from me. At the end of the month, we know where all that money is going to go. Also, any financial decision, we consult each other because we are trying to save for the projects we have. We agreed to have a set allowance for each other which is not very high because we understand that we have projects, and we cannot spend money any how we want just because we individually earned it. Despite having a good salary, I still hustle on the side such as proctoring/invigilating international exams, just so I can have extra revenues to help my husband build our home. This is all in addition to his own hustling and salary. I work late nights and early mornings, just so I can have my work completed. I do have things I would love to spend money on, but I usually go to my husband to ask him if we have money at all to buy it. As the financial manager of our home, he would let me know what our financial situation is like and help me understand that it might not be the wisest thing to spend money that could instead help solve our problems. At the beginning of our marriage, it wasn’t easy, but gradually, I began to understand the wisdom behind his thinking.

Finally, you are your spouse’s helper when you protect them. You are able to see past their limitations and appreciate the qualities that make him/her stand out. I must confess that I had struggled with that at the beginning when I expected my husband to do more than what he was showing me. With time, I realized that he is just human and needs me to at least appreciate the efforts he was making even though they were not at the pace I would have loved for him to go. Gradually, I realized that I wasn’t doing him any justice if all I did was focus on his mistakes or limitations. The more I appreciated his efforts, the more I saw him grow and become more confident in being a husband. I grew as well in the way I approached things. Rather than wanting things my way, I began to let him do things his way. Our relationship grew stronger. Whenever, I would hear someone talk down on him, I would stand up for him and defend his honour because he is mine, and I am proud of him. We may have little misunderstandings here and there, but one thing I have learnt is to never disrespect my husband or talk to him any how in public.

I guess what I am trying to share as lessons that I have learnt is that a good marriage only works if there is:

1. GOD – When he is the center of your home, he gives you both wisdom to look at things through his perfect eyes. Your decisions and choices will strife to bring him glory.
2. Sacrifice – giving up your wants to look at what is more important for your family (couple life).
3. Shared affection – being able to do something special for the other (little surprises that come from your heart and from you knowing your other half (taking them out to a special place just the two of you without friends, washing their car, making special breakfast for them or special dinner and appreciating their efforts with words of affirmation).
4. Communication – share your thoughts on ideas and bring ideas to the table that would help build your home. Also, when you learn to make decisions together it develops trust and honesty as well as unity.
5. Team-work – making decisions as a couple and not as individuals especially when it concerns finances. You are not on opposite teams, so do not compete with each other.
6.  Compromise and Respect – Being able to listen to each other’s points of view and appreciate the pros and cons before seeing together if something else can be removed or added to fit both your needs.

This is way longer than I had anticipated, but I hope my discoveries about marriage can also help you in your home. I am still learning and adjusting even as I write down these thoughts. Believe you me, there’s more that can be said. Feel free to share your thoughts below.