‘So the Israelites divided the land, just as the Lord had commanded Moses’ Joshua 14:5. I should seriously be beaten for the thoughts that went through my head. I have no idea how much you are familiar with the story of the Israelites’ exodus from Egypt, crossing the red sea, getting punished for taking charge of a mission started by God, given forty years of punishment in the desert and countless times, going against God’s authority and Moses, Joshua having to plead on their behalf, just so that God’s anger will not burn against them. YEP. So they finally did something as God commanded them. I might seem cruel for picking on them, but it’s really true. When you read Exodus and Deuteronomy, you will find, a constant irritation (God’s side) and tears (leaders’ side) and spoil children. OK. Fine, going through that desert was not a joke if you had to eat manna every single day. So my thought was, ‘these people obeyed whole heartedly when it benefitted them.’

That brings me back to the present. Let’s be honest. Isn’t that the same thing that happens to us almost every time? When God promises us something, we make sure that we are very obedient so that he gives us that which he has promised. When days, weeks and years go by and the promise still does not get fulfilled, we begin to lose faith just like the Israelites and begin to take matters in our own hands while questioning God.

I won’t pick on anyone but me. When I entered my first relationship, time went by in months, and I came to understand that something was not quite right. I felt like I was cheating in some way. I was on my way to declaring myself a full Christian, I was in a relationship. Not that it was a bad relationship. It was fine. I just didn’t see God’s hand in it. I didn’t think I was doing myself, nor the man and most of God any justice if he was not in that relationship. I ended the relationship. The man was too perfect for me and I felt inadequate to reciprocate the affection he gave me, because he was not meant for me. If you are doing something, half-heartedly, wouldn’t it mean you are cheating yourself, God and whatever you are doing? I explained to him my dilemma and I know I broke his heart. I would rather break a heart than lie to it and break it, in a way that it will never rebuild itself again. I am not being cold hearted. I am just giving you the truth of the matter.

After reading Psalm 34:7, which says to delight oneself in the Lord and he will give you the desires of your heart, I then made a promised to God that I would not go out with any other man, unless that man accomplished three things for me. I told him that those three things would be the sign that the man has been chosen by God for me to marry. God knows how much I really wanted to live by his word and follow his ways. I didn’t want to go out with numerous guys to look for the kind of man that I wanted. I wanted God to be my first and last love. I went to the point of telling him that if I am called to a life of celibacy, I would follow it. However, I found that I was not called to such a life.

Four years went by and still no man came along that could accomplished those three things. I began to lose faith just like the Israelites. I began to take charge of my mind and thoughts. ‘Maybe, if any guy showed interest in me, we would kick it off and God will tell me if he was the one or not. I didn’t like the idea either. However, I had all these emotions built up and wanted to share them with someone. We hate to be real and often feel awkward talking about our feelings as Christians. Well, I won’t hide it. When this tall man came along on that day, I thought to myself, why bother. He is just another one of those men who go around breaking hearts. Although I said I wish he was mine, I waited for God. In as much as I wanted to take charge, I still had my sense and dignity around me to wait for him. God heard the prayer I had made at 18, and he heard my prayer again when I revised it in 2012. Yet still, he continues to hear my prayer every day. I am not saying, we are having wedding bells anytime soon, but that the three things were fulfilled and I wait in anticipation for God’s continual guidance.

I learnt not to serve God for a reward, but because I loved God for whom he was and is to me. I love God because he is my faithful friend. Through the love I built with him, I was able to continue loving him more than before because I realized that even without this wonderful man in my life, giving me all this attention, God has always been there and will always be there in the future. I will continue to love him, because while I was still a sinner, he demonstrated his love for me by sending his son to die for me (Rom 5:8) Do you obey and serve God because you love him or because of a reward he promised you? 

Talk to me at gooddian2013@gmail.com if you have any questions.